Sleep Training: Day II and Night III

What a difference three nights makes....

Today started off well, with a happy, smiling Juna, and equally happy, smiling parents! Her late morning nap required only twelve minutes of held crying, and one ten-minute intervention at the forty-minute mark by Bradford to get her back to sleep, for a total of one-and-a-half hours. She hasn't napped that long in weeks!

We determined I should again put her down for her afternoon catnap, and in the spirit of consistency, I ventured to use the new technique. I'll admit I was nervous, seeing as how my usual reaction to Juna's crying is utter and absolute panic and sadness, but I surprised myself. I held her as she writhed in her swaddle, lightly patted her back and whispered "shhhhh" over and over. She eventually relaxed into me after only ten minutes, and five minutes later I laid her down in her crib. I continued to pat her belly and whisper "shhhh", and watched as her little eyes fluttered and closed. It took a grand total of fifteen minutes! I stayed for an extra ten to make sure she was really asleep, and then tiptoed downstairs, victorious!  She again slept for only forty-five minutes, but that was the perfect length for a catnap.

We went to the park again today, and Juna was a doll the whole time. It felt so good to be out in the world and not be worried about her getting upset. One thing about this routine that works really well for us is the scheduled feeding. She eats with more intention at each feeding, because they're spaced out by an extra half hour (we used to feed approximately every two- to two-and-a-half hours, sometimes less, sometimes more). We are able to leave the house for a half an hour and know that she will not need to eat for that time. I am also able to pump more regularly, since I don't have to worry that pumping will interfere with her next feeding. This will enable me to get out every now and again.

Tonight, after Juna's last feeding, I made a last minute decision to put her down myself. She was already relaxed in my arms, so I swaddled her up and sat down ready for the fight. It only took about five minutes of her fussing, no crying, before she settled herself against my shoulder. I put her down in her crib, eyes wide open, continued to pat her tummy and shush her, and within two minutes she had closed her eyes. I sat down in the chair next to her crib and listened to her little sighs and rustling around, and then, miraculously, heard her breath become more even and shallow. I crept downstairs and she has been asleep ever since. That was almost three-and-a-half hours ago! I am going to try the dreamfeed again and see if we can lengthen her nighttime sleep.

Now, we are not out of the woods yet, but considering we have been executing our plan only two days and three nights, this is excellent progress! Juna seems much happier and more relaxed, though that could be because she is expending an incredible amount of energy to learn her new sleeping technique. The predictability of her day seems to agree with her; she doesn't seem panicked about when she'll be eating or resting next, and enjoys our little activities with clear, bright eyes and a calm demeanor. I'm actually looking forward to seeing how tonight goes!

Ready to go to the park! 

Sleep Training: Day I & Night II

Last night went really well. We are instructed to do a 'dreamfeed' (where you feed the baby without waking her) around 10:30pm. Juna was in such a deep sleep, she didn't take her dreamfeed. I didn't want to push it, so I put her back down in her crib without her stirring. Her first wake up was at 2:00am (a five-hour sleep period) for an easy 10-minute feeding, then back to bed until 5:30am for another 10-minute feeding, with a wake up time of 6:45am (dirty diaper). We had a lovely, playful morning, and then it was time for the morning nap.

My husband is taking over all sleep-related duties for the next four days, and has requested that I leave the house during his time getting her to sleep. It's easier to do his job without feeling like I'm looking over his shoulder, which I completely understand. I haven't been the best at sharing the baby care since Juna was born, so he's been taking care of me instead by making our meals and cleaning the house (what a guy!). I am realizing slowly that this isn't the healthiest choice for our family. While sleep training isn't the ideal bonding situation, at least Juna and her Daddy are getting some alone time.

I am shocked at how relaxed I feel heading to Starbucks for some much-needed quiet time. Reading Yoga Journal and sipping my soy chai latte, I am, for the first time, not panicked about being away from Juna. Bradford has this situation under control, and while following our new plan, she won't feed for another hour and a half. Juna refuses, absolutely refuses, to take a bottle or pacifier, so I always feel like I have to be home just in case. For awhile, I believed she could only be soothed by me, either through nursing or simply being in my arms. Due to Juna's sensitive temperament, I became pretty much completely housebound, which was not good for either of us. I am learning to trust Bradford, and relinquish a little control.

Upon my return, Juna has been sleeping for twenty minutes after a twenty minute crying/soothing period. But then, like usual, she wakes at the forty-minute mark. We've tried the "wake to sleep" technique by going in at the thirty-minute mark and rousing her slightly then helping her go back down. It hasn't worked yet, but we'll keep trying.

We continue on our three-hour schedule to the minute (we want to be extremely consistent to see how she responds), and while naps are a battle with 10-20 minutes of crying (again, she is held the entire time), the day is peaceful otherwise. I'm not sure if she's just tired from letting off so much steam before her naps, but she is completely happy during her awake time. No fussing, no crying, and no soothing needed! We have a great time playing on her activity mat, sitting in the backyard, practicing sitting up in her bumbo seat and singing (Juna's new favorite thing!). Smiles are plentiful, and I've never heard her laugh so much before.

For her afternoon catnap, we are instructed to let her sleep anywhere we like. Bradford and I decide that I will relieve him of his duties for this nap, and after pacing with her swaddled upstairs for about 5 minutes she is so drowsy she can barely keep her eyes open. I lay down with her on our bed, and she passes out. We nap together for forty-minutes before, of course, she wakes. Since this is a catnap, that's the perfect amount of time, so we get up, eat and head to the park.

In my fantasy, before I had Juna, I daydreamed about the long walks we would take in the park as a family. Walking has always been one of my favorite things to do, and I haven't had the opportunity to do much of that since Juna was born. She usually fusses so much in her stroller or the wrap, it's not even worth it to upset her. We decide to chance it, since it's been such a good day, and we have a full two hours before her bedtime wind down routine.

We drive to the park, Bradford, Huck the dog, Juna the Baby and I. I put her in the stroller, and we make it a full two laps around the park with Juna happy and quiet the entire time. This feels like a huge victory, and Bradford and I are both very encouraged. She relaxes in her carseat on the way home, no screaming, no fussing, and we have a delightful bathtime and evening wind down, and she's so tired I have a hard time keeping her awake while she nurses.

It's bedtime again, and I head to the grocery store while Bradford does the hard work. He later reports that it took twenty-five minutes for her to settle, but then he put her in the crib with her eyes open, and it took only five minutes for her to close her eyes and go to sleep ON HER OWN! He goes in at the forty-minute mark to do a fake pick up/put down (per Sasha's suggestion) and she doesn't stir. Bradford and I enjoy watching The Mentalist and eating dinner together. One benefit of this plan is I can now have a glass of wine with my meal, since we are no longer nursing her to sleep! (FYI: it takes about 90 minutes for alcohol to peak in your blood, so a good 2-3 hours is plenty of time for it to leave your system before breastfeeding). After a delicious merlot and a piece of dark chocolate (I'm on a no-dairy diet for Juna), I am ready to tackle the dreamfeed.

I head up at 10:30, and pick her up from her crib. Like last night, she doesn't latch on to feed, so after trying for two-to-three minutes, I put her back down. I hear her stirring and starting to awaken, so I quickly pick her up and give her a ten-minute snack, during which she falls right back to sleep. I plop her down in her crib asleep, and turn in myself. We don't hear from Juna until 1:40am. Our 'rules' state we should wait to feed her until between two and four a.m., so we try for just a minute or two to resettle her, but she is clearly mad. A dirty diaper has foiled our carefully constructed night! I feed her right after her diaper change, and she goes easily back to sleep. Awake again at 4:40am for a snack, and back to sleep until 6:45am. All in all, a good night, though I didn't see a discernible difference in doing a dreamfeed.

This morning, Juna has been extremely happy and easy to please. We played music for her and she 'danced' and that was the big morning activity. She is sleeping now, after a full fifteen minutes of held crying. I am still not comfortable with the amount of crying she is doing and a little confused about how this is teaching her to fall asleep on her own. Right now, it still feels a little bit like we are letting her cry herself to sleep, even though Bradford is holding and reassuring her. The dreamfeed doesn't seem to be doing its' job in helping Juna to sleep longer into the night. Both evenings, she has awoken earlier than the recommended 3:00a.m. feeding time, and it feels so weird to wake her up when we are working so hard to keep her asleep. Dr. Weissbluth (Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child) recommends never waking a sleeping baby and refutes the claim that she needs to be 'tanked up' before sleeping. I am going to stick it out for a couple days though, and see what happens. Part of my issue before was inconsistency, so I am committed this time to give Juna at least a week of the same routine. We have had success in putting her down drowsy but awake and watching her fall asleep by herself, which is encouraging. I am also pleased that our awake time with her has been so pleasant and relaxed.

Bradford has just returned from his fake-out pickup/putdown, which is supposed to help trick her into thinking she's woken up and gone back to sleep. We'll see if she makes it past the forty-minute mark! Fingers crossed!

Sleep Training: Night I

Note to the Reader: Different parenting styles work for different families, and I ask that you reserve judgment about what we have chosen, remembering that our choices are not a reflection on yours. I want to be honest about this experience in hopes that it may help other families who have similar issues, or who may be considering sleep training and want to know what it's really like (you won't read these nitty gritty details in the books, folks!).

It's been a couple weeks since we decided to 'go with the flow'. Didn't work. Juna has become more and more overtired, as have my husband and I. Feedings are confusing, since they happen irregularly, and before and sometimes during a sleep period. Our usual tricks to get Juna to sleep aren't working, and it takes a good forty minutes to soothe her down, during which she cries, oftentimes awakening ten minutes later. When she does miraculously fall, and stay, asleep, Bradford and I hover over the video monitor, anxiously examining her little form, waiting for what we call those 'demon eyes' to show up on the screen. She doesn't sleep well in my arms or in our bed, she doesn't sleep in the stroller or in the car. We have tried literally everything. My stomach is in knots most of the day, and I am constantly nervous anticipating each sleep-time battle. I try very hard to enjoy the good moments between the marathon bouts of crying. Her little smiles delight me to the point of tears. When your precious little baby spends a lot of her day in pain or upset, you appreciate each gurgle and coo.

After careful consideration, Bradford and I decided we needed to get some help. My theory that Juna's 'colic' was really just overtiredness in disguise needed to be put to the test. We consulted with Sasha Hawkes, a family therapist and sleep expert, who is putting us on a plan to help teach Juna how to fall asleep on her own, without any crutches (like exercise balls and pacing). We are going to try a three-hour routine, to give Juna more structure and see how she responds. Since she's only 11 weeks, this will be a more gentle approach. No 'crying it out', though let me tell you, it's Night One and there is certainly crying involved. This little girl has an iron-will. Sasha has explained (and I agree) that children with this kind of perseverance need and crave boundaries. Juna, at all of eleven-and-a-half weeks, is looking for us, her parents, to structure her day.

Sasha has called upon Bradford to execute the first few days of our new plan. Juna won't get nursed to sleep anymore (thank goodness - nursing to sleep without burping often produces a very unhappy little girl later on), plus Mommy's hormones get in the way when Baby cries, making it hard to stay consistent, which is key. So here I sit, listening to Juna cry and cry in Bradford's arms, while he patiently shush's and gently talks to her.

We are well into our second hour, though the first hour produced some excellent results. Fifteen minutes of crying (she is held and reassured the entire time, by the way), followed by an easy put down (drowsy but awake) and eyes closed one minute later. Bradford and I congratulate each other on staying calm and consistent. I leave to get us a celebratory dinner from our favorite Italian restaurant, and forty-minutes later return to a very upset, crying baby.

Usually when Juna cries, so do I. Which is why, for the last two-and-a-half months, I haven't let my daughter make so much as a peep before rushing to her (much to the amusement of her wiser grandparents). No one likes to hear their baby cry, least of all me. My inner monologue screams during Juna's daily crying jags... "I'm a bad mother, I have no instincts, I'm not providing enough milk, her diaper's too tight, her clothes aren't comfortable, she's teething, she's gassy, she's hot, she's cold, why don't I know what's wrong with my own daughter?" and on and on. I try everything within my power to 'fix' the problem, going through ten or so 'solutions' until something works.

Today was a particularly challenging day. She seems to be teething (excessive drool, gnawing her fist, crying, smacking her tongue), which is early but possible according to her grandfather the dentist. There were many times she cried and I couldn't soothe her. No amount of bouncing, walking, shush'ing or singing worked. I slipped her into the wrap and went out for an early evening walk with my husband and dog, and Juna relaxed. She gazed around, wide-eyed and content, taking in the light that filtered through the trees, the cars on the street, the people we passed. And then she would turn her little head to look up at me, with a peaceful little smile.

Juna lives in the moment. She wasn't thinking about how hard her day was, or how much she cried, or how little she napped. She wasn't anticipating her next feeding, her bath, or her new nighttime sleep plan. And while part of me now wants to sob right along with her, and part of my heart feels like it's being ripped out of my body, I am comforted knowing that this will pass. My warrior baby is sad in this moment, and that's ok. The next moment, she might be peaceful. And the moment after that, happy. And the moment after that, mad. If I insist on Juna being happy and content all of the time, I am depriving her of experiencing the great spectrum of human emotions. And as Sasha reminded us, it's ok to hold her while she cries and tell her that we hear her without trying to 'fix it'. I look at this as practice for the later years, when a friend hurts her feelings, or she doesn't make the team, or gets her heart broken for the first time. I would never tell her not to cry in those situations. Life is sad sometimes. Life might be a little sad right now for Juna. It might be scary to have a tummy ache and not know why, or to have pain in her mouth and not be able to tell me. It might be frustrating to want to fall asleep and not know how. She's a brand new being, and it is my job to honor where she is and meet her there.

I'm not sure how the rest of the night will go, and I'm at peace not knowing. Right now, she is sleeping peacefully and has been for over an hour. She fell asleep in her crib, on her own. Not bad for our first attempt!

New Mommy Yoga

Do you hear that? ..... Neither do I, it's the sound of sleeping baby! Normally, Juna sleeps in 10-20 minute increments during the day. I use those short respites to quickly throw in a load of laundry, shove some food down my throat or do the dishes. Rarely is there time to do a yoga practice (and by rarely, I mean never). My achey body, still recovering from the marathon labor, doesn't get the attention it once did. I have developed new physical tension from tending to Juna, which manifest most acutely in my neck, shoulders and back. Sound familiar anyone? It's difficult to focus on good posture and exercise with a new little one in the house. Whenever possible, I am adding mini practice sessions into my day. You can do these poses anywhere, at any time, and without any gear. No mat? No time? No problem!

1. Sun Breaths: Stand up straight with your feet hip distance apart and parallel. Sweep your arms out to the side and up towards the sky as you inhale. On the exhale, bring your palms together and down in front of your heart. Repeat as many times as necessary (excellent to re-center after a crying episode).

2. Modified Adho Mukha Svanasana (Downward Facing Dog): Stand at a countertop, table or crib side, once again with feet hip distance apart and parallel. Place your hands on the surface in front of you shoulder distance apart. Walk your feet back until you make an "L" shape with your body. If possible, have your back straight (if you cannot straighten your back, bend your knees until you can... if you are uber-flexible, draw your ribs into your body so you aren't dipping into your lower back). Take five deep breaths, spread your feet firmly into the floor, and draw your quadriceps muscles (the ones on the front of your thighs) up.

3. Prasarita Padotanasana A (Fan Pose): Stand with your feet wide apart and parallel. Interlace your hands behind your back and bend your elbows until your palms touch. Gently stretch your interlaced hands down and then away from your body to open the chest. Optional: fold forward from the waist with knees straight or bent, and a straight spine. Engage those pesky quadriceps again. Breathe! Slowly come up to standing, and repeat with the hands interlaced the other way (so the other thumb is on top).

4. Easy Twist: Sit on the floor with your legs crossed. Stretch your arms up and overhead as you inhale, stretching long through both sides of the waist. As you exhale, twist to the right, placing your left hand on your right knee. Inhale and grow three inches taller, exhale and twist to the right a little deeper, taking care to keep your left sitting bone planted into the floor. Take four more breaths, and return to the center. Repeat to the left. This pose wrings out all the toxins that collect in the organs of the abdomen, and also prepares the back for this next pose...

5. Setu Bandha (bridge pose): Lay down on the floor with your knees bent and feet flat and parallel, hip distance apart. Lift your hips away from the floor, and point your tailbone towards your knees so the lower back is long. Interlace your hands underneath you (like the fan pose), and then stretch your interlaced hands towards your feet. Breathe. This pose opens the chest and reverses the posture you probably take while feeding or changing Baby.

6. Pranayama: While soothing the wee babe, take a deep breath in and imagine all four sides of your ribcage expanding, front and back, side to side. Exhale slowly making a "shhhhhhh" sound. Excellent for calming a fussy baby, and a good reminder for Mommy (or Daddy...) to take some deep breaths!

Taking time for yourself every day is vital for new parents, but it's hard to schedule in a class or even a free hour at home. Doing a few simple exercises scattered throughout the day will help to recharge, and reconnect with, your physical self. Stay sane, new parents!

Sidenote: I intended to include pictures of all these poses, but really, who has time for photo shoots? If you need a visual of these poses, go to http://www.yogajournal.com/poses/finder/browse_index. This is a great resource for anyone looking to start, or refine, a yoga practice.

Cobra pose, behind bars 

The Sleep Project

So, it's been awhile.... As many of you know, I have a 9-week old infant in my life now, which makes blogging, showering, exercising, cooking, and pretty much everything else a little more challenging, and frankly less interesting! My darling daughter is what some would call a "fussy" baby, or what Dr. Sears refers to as a "high needs baby", but she is still the most dazzling part of our day. Our whole family is completely enamored by this little doll, and baffled, left wondering how the most adorable baby on the planet could possibly be this unhappy most of the time!

To summarize the past few weeks, we now have breastfeeding under control, thanks to my persistence, my husband's patience, my lactation consultant's support and Juna's voracious appetite. She is gaining weight, becoming a more efficient nurser, and now our challenge is getting her to pay attention to the task at hand. She would rather stare at our orange curtains than eat. And who could blame her? Orange curtains are sooooo fascinating! The world is revealing itself to Juna, and she is reveling in all its' splendor. Hands and feet, water, light and colors, sounds.... everything is new, exciting and all-consuming. Mostly, we just like to stare at each other and smile in wonder.

Juna's emotions are ever-changing and completely unpredictable (my husband thinks she gets this from me...). One moment she's smiling and happy, and the next she disintegrates into tears and protestations. She demands our utmost attention and lets us know when we are failing to fulfill her needs. We have logged countless hours on the teal exercise ball in the living room and I think I've worn a path in the backyard from circling the patio with Juna over my shoulder. This girl likes to move! She likes to be held, and no, that sling, wrap or carrier simply won't do right now. It's arms or nothing for this little lady. She's a woman who knows what she wants!

Well, at least she sleeps much of the day.... oh wait. Currently, this is our biggest challenge yet. Juna simply won't nap. It's been five weeks of trying everything to get this girl to sleep during the day. I've rocked, bounced, jiggled and danced, sung, shhhh'd, begged and pleaded..... sometimes she will fall asleep. Victory! But if you set her down, expect her beautiful blue eyes to pop open one to fifteen minutes later. After several days of this, I did what I always do, tackle the problem head on by doing my research. My pediatrician recommended putting her on an "eat, play, sleep" schedule. Sounds EASY right? OK, who are these magic babies who eat, play and sleep when you decide they should? My baby sometimes wants to eat, eat, play and then eat some more. And when she wakes from her "nap", all I need to do is pat and shush her right back to sleep? Seriously?! Does this actually work for anyone?

At our next appointment, when I mention that I am still having a difficult time getting her to nap, the pediatrician recommends an even stricter schedule and harsher methodology. I return home with a newfound resolve: this child WILL sleep, and it will be on my terms. Having read three different books (ah, the reading one can accomplish with a slow nurser...), I know that it is preferable to put the baby to bed when she is drowsy but not completely asleep. You also must swaddle, put her upright and 'shh/pat' her until she melts into your loving arms. You then kiss the top of her head and say "you're going to sleep now" and watch as she descends into a deep, peaceful sleep. If she wakes, she may cry for five minutes and return quickly to her previous state, dreaming of puppies and lollipops....

Naptime in our house goes like this: Mommy sees the first signs of drowsiness (yawning, glazed eyes) and jumps into immediate action. She calmly swaddles Little One, and begins the soothing to sleep process as dictated by the Book. Little One decides she doesn't like the swaddle and fusses and protests until Mommy has freed the little hand that Little One has recently discovered. Little One is now irritated that the fist has a difficult time getting to her little mouth, so the fussing increases. Mommy goes to the exercise ball to calm Little One down, but now Little One is in a real tizzy. Mommy checks the diaper, re-swaddles, then rocks, un-swaddles again, and Little One just gets more and more pissed off that Mommy is trying so hard to get her to sleep. Finally, in a last ditch effort, Mommy does what always works: Little One nurses until she falls asleep (a big no-no in the Book), and Mommy is pleased. After waiting a reasonable amount of time, Mommy attempts to transfer Little One to her vibrating chair (LO's favorite place to rest). Success! Proud Mommy walks away, monitor in hand, and heads towards the laundry room to wash the cloth diapers. Bliss! Until five minutes later, when a tell-tale squawk is heard from Little One's room.

We have learned not to celebrate too early in our house.

The breaking point comes one lovely day when Juna decides to stay awake for thirteen, yes, thirteen hours. After all my reading and research, I have learned that babies should have only one to two hours of wakefulness before they are guided easily back to sleep. One book cautions that babies who don't sleep when they are infants are at greater risk for learning disabilities and disrupted sleep later in life. I am now sleep deprived, hormonal and panicked that my daughter's development is being hindered by my inability to help her sleep during the day. Many breakdowns later, I insist on going back to the pediatrician to rule out anything physical (reflux, early teething, extreme gas) and am told that Juna is perfectly healthy, and I am reassured is developing normally. She is just a colicky baby. This (new) pediatrician recommends that I do whatever it takes to get Juna to sleep (more for my sanity than anything else). Car rides? Fine. Ball bouncing? Wonderful. Nursing? Even better. She scoffs when I mention the whole "putting her down drowsy but not asleep" notion, and tells me to follow my own instincts.

And so we do. We free-fall into a no-routine lifestyle. Which has meant two days with Juna on our person when sleeping at all times. We don't even try to set her down now. Bradford uses the ball as his preferred method, and I use side-lying nursing as mine. Yes, it means that I don't "accomplish" anything during the day. I'm not cooking any meals, writing many blogs or burning any fat, but I am lovingly attending to my daughter's needs, and that feels pretty huge right now. Today, Juna slept every two hours in some form or another. It wasn't easy, but she was a much happier baby during her awake time, and that makes it all worthwhile.

We are going to continue this no-method method until our little girl has her bearings in this great big world. It may be several days or several weeks. As a one-child household with two parents who are always or often home, we have the luxury to do this. Sometime soon, I have hope that we will be able to establish a routine that suits us all, but until that time, Juna rules the roost. I realize that before we know it, Juna will have no interest in being with Mommy and Daddy constantly, so we may as well enjoy this phase while it lasts. This will require patience, flexibility and attentiveness on my part, but these are qualities I have been working on developing anyway. Funny how that works.... I'm also dropping the "fussy baby" diagnosis. She's just Juna. Happy, mad, curious and complex, never boring and full of life.

sleeping beauty

Ode to Summer Wine

Summertime for most people means barbecues, swimming pools and sunshine. For me, it means white wine season! I usually enjoy the complexity and richness of red wine, but for a blisteringly hot Los Angeles summer, nothing's better than a cool glass of white wine. My white wine of choice? Marlborough Sauvignon Blanc.

My love affair with Marlborough SVB's began in 2007 in Florida. I was working at a fantastic theatre down there (Florida Stage - lovely place) and living half a mile from the beach. It was an idyllic three months spent walking through the surf in the morning, performing in the evening, and capping off my days with some homemade ice cream at the parlor next to the theatre. Occasionally, I'd walk over to the Ritz Carlton across the street, sit in the lobby bar and enjoy a glass of wine. On the menu was a Whitehaven Sauvignon Blanc, to this day my favorite of all the Marlboroughs. Crisp, clean, dry and tart, sipping on this wine in the beautiful Ritz Carlton felt so luxurious.

There are many wonderful options for Marlborough SVB you can find in your regular grocery store wine aisle. One of the most popular is Nobilo, which earns between 88-92 points (out of 100) from Wine Spectator Magazine. The Nobilo Icon is particularly delicious and easy to find, though I haven't had the latest vintage (being pregnant put a cramp in my drinking style, obviously).

Many wineries are jumping on the Marlborough train, producing sauvignon blanc in a very similar style. The Chilean sauvignon blancs are absolutely delicious and share many of the same characteristics as the Marlboroughs. My favorite is Santa Maria (easy to locate at the grocery store). California wine producers are also making Marlborough-style  wines (we love the sauvignon blanc from Rosenthal, though it is more difficult to find). California sauvignon blancs are also sometimes referred to as fume blanc, which has a more rounded taste to it but still quite good. The first bottle of wine my husband and I shared was a fantastic bottle of Ferrari-Carano Fume Blanc. 

Unfortunately, the quality of Marlborough sauvignon blancs has declined slightly in the last couple years, much like what happened with California pinot noirs. When the popularity of a particularly grape is on the rise, it tends to be overproduced, and therefore loses some of the original quality and intention. The taste also varies depending on the environmental conditions in which the grapes were grown. Some years fare better than others. Experiment with different vintages and see what year has characteristics that appeal to you.

White wine should be chilled, and while some people have a separate wine refrigerator to keep their white wine at the recommended 48-52 degrees (slightly warmer than the typical refrigerator temperature) most of us don't have that option. Some critics believe Americans serve their white wine too cold and red wine too warm. I say drink your wine at the temperature that appeals to you! If you want to be "correct", take the bottle of white out of your refrigerator half an hour before you intend to drink it. And please, please do not put ice in your white wine. Watering down the wine will affect the smell and taste. However, if you really love to have ice cubes in your chardonnay, don't let prissy wine snobs stop you! Drinking wine should be a pleasurable, sumptuous experience. Enjoy it your way!

For information on how to safely indulge in the occasional glass of wine while breastfeeding, go to this website: http://www.kellymom.com/health/lifestyle/alcohol.html. Be smart and sensible. I prefer to have just a quarter of a glass with a full meal a few times a week right after nursing, giving the alcohol time to be processed and eliminated from my body before the next feeding. As our pediatrician said "you deserve a little drink at the end of the day"... as long as you're smart about it! And of course, if you feel uncomfortable drinking even small amounts while pregnant or nursing, by all means don't!

Well, there is a bottle of Rosenthal Sauvignon Blanc with my name on it chilling in our fridge. Happy drinking!

Deliverance

"Sukhanusayi Ragah" .... "Excessive attachment is based on the assumption that it will contribute to everlasting happiness." - Sutra 2.7


I spent the nine months of my pregnancy reading books about natural childbirth, practicing breathing techniques and mastering different positions to ease labor pains. And while I told myself I had no "plan" and would just "go with the flow," deep down I had decided that I would have the perfect unmedicated labor and delivery. Those complications that other people experience? Not going to be an issue for me! Well, as usual, I was taught a very valuable lesson about attachment. 


My labor started on a Tuesday, exactly 6 days before I actually gave birth to my daughter. Every evening, like clockwork, I would start having excruciating contractions that lasted between 2 and 5 minutes, about one or two every hour. And while the intensity of the contractions was severe, the labor never progressed. During the day, I would have very light contractions or none at all. The first two days I assumed I was in early labor, and started practicing all the techniques I had learned... warm baths, pranayama, stretching,  foot massages from my husband. We called our parents, assuming things were going to progress soon. Wrong! Thursday evening, we did everything we could think of to get labor started. Long walks, eating pineapple and spicy food, walking up stairs, the salad from the local pizzeria rumored to induce labor. Nothing changed, and our frustration grew. I was now into my third sleepless night of intense pain, with nothing to show for it. This continued through Sunday, when after two trips to the hospital to get checked and consult with my midwives, my husband and I decided we had had enough. This baby needed to come out soon, as 6 sleepless days and nights were taking its' toll on us. We knew if we didn't induce, there was no way I would have the energy to push and we'd end up in the OR for a c-section. We consulted with our amazing midwife, and I asked her to induce me. We agreed that because I had been unable to sleep for almost a week, I should receive pitocin and an epidural (the epidural more so I could rest than for the pain). Honestly, that was the best decision we made. Even with the pitocin, it took over 12 hours for me to dilate from 4cm to 10cm. Along the way, I had the most compassionate care in my nurse Karen and midwife Shadman. They were so encouraging, so sweet and so understanding. I felt no judgment, and completely supported in my decision. After a restful evening (no sleep, but at least relaxation), at 7:00 a.m. I was still only 8cm dilated. The shift changed, and my sweet nurse and midwife were replaced with a much tougher team. 


My new nurse Donna came in and saw my progress and decided to up my pitocin by 2 every half hour instead of 1 every hour. While this made me much more uncomfortable (even with the epidural I could feel each contraction), I was happy to finally be progressing. She and my midwife Susan were much more aggressive, and by 9:00am I was ready to push. Because of the epidural, however, I couldn't feel what my body needed to do. After consulting with Susan, it was decided my epidural would be turned off. Within minutes, sensation returned to my legs. After another hour, Susan came back and we started the real work of getting this baby out. I won't detail what followed, as there is nothing pretty about the birthing process, but suffice it to say, it was the most intense experience of my life (quick sidenote to apologize to my amazing husband, who I'm afraid I wasn't always kind to... nurse Donna passed him a note during the pushing stage that said "women are usually fussy at this point - don't take it personally". Bless her!). An hour and forty-five minutes later, the NICU team was summoned as Juna approached the outside world (when my water broke, there was meconium present). Again, thank goodness things worked out that way, because when Juna came out, the cord was wrapped twice tightly around her neck. A quick cut and she was whisked away by the NICU team to be suctioned, stimulated, poked and prodded. Two weak cries were all I heard, and I saw nothing. Dashed again were our intentions of having her placed directly on my chest for skin to skin bonding, breastfeeding and my husband cutting the cord. At this point, all our original ideas had to be shelved as we prayed and hoped for a healthy baby. 


Ten minutes later, Juna was given to me for all of 60 seconds. My savior, Nurse Donna, thought to take a picture, which I will treasure forever, as Juna was then whisked away again for a stay in the NICU. Two hours later, I insisted on walking to the NICU to finally spend some time getting to know my little girl. She had oxygen tubes in her nose, and monitors on her chest, with pinpricks on each tiny hand where they tried to find a vein to give her fluids. We were only able to look at her before I was taken back to recovery. My husband stayed to watch over her, and called awhile later to say we were going to get to hold her. I asked if we could try breastfeeding and was told that I could, but if I gave her a bottle instead they would discharge her and let her room in with us. Not exactly the start I was hoping for in our nursing relationship, but we agreed as we so badly wanted her off the monitors and in our arms. At seven o'clock that evening, Juna arrived in our room, pink and healthy. 


It was a long process that required compromise, understanding and detachment on all sides, and though this was not the birth experience I envisioned, at the end, we walked away with a healthy baby and a healthy mama. There were moments that I felt extremely sad that I had not been able to provide her with a completely smooth transition into the world, and that is when it became imperative to call upon my yogic reserves and remember that attachment to what has transpired in the past is not productive. As the sutra says, excessive attachment to one idea presumes that there is only one way to achieve happiness, but when you enter into a situation with an open mind and heart, and follow the course of action that is necessary in the present moment, naturally the situation will resolve itself and you may learn a thing or two on the way! 


As Pema Chodron says "To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest. To live fully is to be always in no-man's land, to experience each moment as completely new and fresh. To live is to be willing to die over and over again." To me, this means becoming unattached to outcomes, and be fully invested in the process. My illusions of having the perfect transition into parenthood are gone, and as I relinquish more control this lesson is reaffirmed. We learned it again bringing baby home to meet dog... after watching "The Dog Whisperer" and reading up on the subject, we had a plan on how to introduce the two. Unfortunately, as soon as we walked in the house, Juna had a complete meltdown and we forgot the dog even existed. So much for our peaceful first meeting! I had also assumed that we would have a calm, relaxed, mellow baby... we spent nine hours yesterday trying to calm our colicky infant. Letting go of attachment is easier said than done, but as soon as I accept what is really happening, I see with clarity and can better care for my daughter. 


The name Juna was inspired by the character of Arjuna, the spiritual warrior in the Bhagavad Gita. I come back to this text often to remind myself not to cling too tightly to material things, to desires, or to ideas. These are lessons I hope to pass on to my daughter. The Bhagavad Gita tells us that "the person whose mind is always free from attachment, who has subdued the mind and senses, and who is free from desires, attains the supreme perfection of freedom from Karma through renunciation." I am now going through the process of freeing myself from needing to be the "perfect" parent, instead focusing on the child in front of me. I am trying to see her clearly for what she is (fussy, unpredictable, adorable, fascinating...) and not what I assumed she would be. Doing this now will ensure that later on in her life, when she inevitably makes a decision I don't agree with, I will be able to accept and love her for who she is and not who I wanted her to be. Loving unconditionally leaves no room for attachment, and it seems to me that the "perfect" parent sometimes makes mistakes or disappoints, but always chooses to love completely and without judgment. 

We are so blessed to have Juna Meredith Anderson as our child. On the day of her birth, July 18, she weighed seven pounds, three ounces and was nineteen and a half inches long. She is a joy in every moment and we couldn't be happier!