Through it all, I focused on my practice to help me stay tethered to the Now, because what is patience if not being present and available in this moment? My asana practice reminded me of, and helped me accept with grace, the miracle occurring in my physical body, while my restorative and meditation practice helped me remain focused on my breath. The breath for me is the simplest, most expedient way to reign in my wild and turbulent mind. However, I must admit the last few weeks have seen a decline in these practices as downward facing dog becomes less comfortable, and my dedication to sitting still for meditation has waned. Naturally, because I am not practicing, I have become irritable, fearful and, of course, very impatient.
Jon Kabat-Zinn says "scratch the surface of impatience and what you will find lying beneath it, subtly or not so subtly, is anger. It's the strong energy of not wanting things to be the way they are and blaming someone (often yourself) or something for it." These words ring true for me, as I think of the many times in the last two weeks I have irrationally reacted with anger and irritation when challenges were presented - at the person who sat next to me and lit a cigarette, at the person driving erratically, at the long line in the grocery store..... things that might have annoyed me slightly before are causing extremely angry reactions now, all because my fascination with being pregnant has been replaced with just wanting to have this baby already! I am suffering from a "I want what I want when and how I want it" phase, and the results are less than positive. A few days ago, I decided something needed to be done, and when I took stock of what was happening both mentally and physically, I saw that in allowing myself to feel impatient, I was missing out on a very special time. These are the last few days that my husband and I will be together as a couple. While we are obviously thrilled to be growing our family, never again will things be as simple as they are now. Why not enjoy these moments?
Luckily, Bradford has time off right now, and we are using this time to be with, and appreciate, each other. This might not be a traditional 'practice', but we are practicing the skills of one-pointed focus and gratitude by cooking together, lounging on the couch, talking, working on the house, going out for dinner, seeing friends.... all things that will become infinitely more complicated when our baby arrives. Each moment now seems precious, irreplaceable, and sacred, not to be rushed through or wished away. I am learning (thank you, Jon Kabat-Zinn) that "through it all, we attempt to bring balance to the present moment, understanding that in patience lies wisdom, knowing that what will come next will be determined in large measure by how we are now." In other words, why would I want time to move more quickly, knowing that when our baby is born, all I will want is for time to stand still? In appreciating each moment now, I am practicing how to be a present and awake parent.
At 38-weeks, Baby is full-term and could come any time. Bradford and I are finding the balance between being prepared and going with the flow... though he shows his impatience in his eagerness to time every practice contraction I have! We are learning to be content, santosa as it is called in yoga. For me, I cultivate this by taking deep breaths whenever I feel the turbulence threatening to take over my peaceful mind, taking my cue from B.K.S. Iyengar. "Contentment in the yogic sense of lasting and stable harmony, is encountered through the practice of pranayama, which conquers in its turn the active (rajasic) nature of the mind and makes possible a practice that is both zealous and sustained," Iyengar tells us. He describes the inhalation as making room for what is good, and the exhalation as the expansion of the soul, which leaves us with quiet, grounded insight. Let this practice take root in me, that I may not be "blown off course" despite complications, challenges and the unexpected problems that come with being a mother. Let me appreciate the wonder and joy in every moment that I have with my daughter.
I have always loved Walt Whitman, and this passage in Leaves of Grass perfectly describes my intention for the next two weeks of this pregnancy:
I exist as I am, that is enough,
If no other in the world be aware I sit content,
And if each and all be aware I sit content.
One world is aware, and by far the largest to me, and that is myself,
And whether I come to my own today or in ten thousand or ten million years,
I can cheerfully take it now, or with equal cheerfulness,
I can wait.
I promise you, Kiera, you are not feeling anything that hasn't been felt by every 38-week pregnant woman. :) It's your insight that makes you different.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter is 18, and yet I still have this distinct memory just four weeks before she was born. I had started collecting those Dept. 56 miniature Christmas houses that you could set up under your tree or in a window with all the little miniature decorations. I received several that year from different family members. Christmas night when the tree was empty underneath, I excitedly started opening all my new houses and decorations, eagerly anticipating my little Christmas scene under the tree to enjoy until New Year's Day.
As I'm sitting on the floor, I lean over to try to put the first house under the tree. Okay, it was difficult, but I did it. It was close to the front. But as I realized other houses and decorations needed to go farther underneath, I realized my huge belly wouldn't let me reach that far. I rolled around like a turtle on its' back and eventually ended up lying there in a pile of Dept 56 packing material and sobbing uncontrollably at my "misfortune" that I couldn't get my houses under the tree. My husband was ready to put me in a rubber room. LOL!
My point being that it all seems so far away now, and it also seems quite ridiculous! I laugh about it now, and you will laugh at your angry outbursts in the grocery store or snapping at Bradford for some inconsequential thing that later will seem so silly. I truly wish I had had your spiritual insight all those years ago. I was a mere 23, and I still had so much to learn about myself, not to mention trying to learn how to be a mother and wife. Your self awareness will carry you through in ways I was incapable of back then.
Feel lucky you have that! Now in my early 40's, meditation and yoga are invaluable to me, and I do sometimes find myself sad that I didn't have those tools in those early days; however, as Oprah says, when you know better, you do better. Which is just what you're doing!
Many blessings on the new little girl.
Rene'
There are lessons in this post which transcend the impatience of youth or pregnancy and we would all gain by absorbing and applying them. Lovely passage from Walt Whitman.
ReplyDeleteSusan